If there’s one piece of relationship advice that everyone’s heard, it’s this: You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. It’s so ubiquitous that most people take it as one of life’s truths, handed down from on high by relationship gurus. But is it really true? Noted author and relationship expert Dr. Venus Nicolino certainly doesn’t think so.
As she humorously points out in the forward of her book, Bad Advice: How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls–t: “Self-hate never stopped anyone from falling in love.” The advice to get right with yourself first might be well-meaning, but it oversimplifies the complexities of love. Worse, it can undermine your own self-worth. That’s because it suggests that you have to achieve a certain level of self-love before becoming worthy of love from others.
Not so. It takes two to tango, according to Nicolino. She makes this abundantly clear in one of her popular TikTok videos. In her usual irreverent style, she discussed the impossibility of truly loving yourself.
“Excluding other human beings from the process of learning how to love is futile. You’re missing half the equation, tossing half the training manual out the window,” she said. “Let’s just say you do learn to love yourself with some magical formula unknown to mankind. Who are you going to share that insulated love with once you’re fully educated? Would it even be shareable or worth sharing?
“I guess you could find a partner who also had found this mystical formula. You two could spend time loving yourselves while cohabitating. Never troubling the other with bothersome dreams, desperate needs, or icky twosomes.”
When she puts it that way, it’s easy to see why the “love yourself first” advice might be a bit shaky.
Loving Yourself Completely Is the Unicorn of the Self-Help World
Venus Nicolino understands the assignment when it comes to relationships and love. Before she became famous as “Dr. V,” she earned a master’s in counseling psychology and a master’s and Ph.D. in clinical psychology. She frequently discusses relationship issues through her TikTok videos and Instagram posts, as well as on “The Tea With Dr. V” podcast.
She thinks the “love yourself first” advice is part of an obsession among some in our culture to achieve perfection before being able to enter into a relationship with someone else. It’s like a unicorn — pretty idea, but it doesn’t exist.
“Here’s the thing. I don’t care what you’re seeking — a relationship, a dance trophy or a better career,” she said in another TikTok about the potential pitfalls of perpetual self-improvement. “You’re ready now. You’re worthy and perfectly designed, as is. Your fuller self isn’t somewhere in waiting. Your fuller self is here in this moment. The one that matters.”
Also, as pointed out by Psychology Today, loving yourself isn’t a linear experience. Some days you love yourself, other days not so much. You may move beyond hating yourself, but that doesn’t mean you don’t fall back into that feeling from time to time.
Like any other relationship, the one you have with yourself changes as you change, your circumstances change and the people you’re with change. If you wait until you love yourself before trying to get into a relationship, prepare for a lot of lonely nights.
And the ability to love yourself doesn’t grow in isolation. Many people grow into loving themselves through relationships, romantic and otherwise. Being around people who love you can help you see yourself in ways you might never have considered.
Improving Yourself Is a Never-Ending Journey
An idea that can help people move beyond the concept of having to love themselves before loving someone else is the fact that self-improvement never really ends.
Venus Nicolino addresses this issue in the TikTok video about self-improvement. “This ‘improving ourselves’ bull—- is never going to end. You know that, right?” Dr. V asks in the video. “This ‘I need to be a perfect person before I enter into a relationship’ — you understand that’s absolutely ridiculous, right? This ‘I need to be a fully actualized human before I even look to be in a relationship’ — you realize that’s nonsense?”
She offers an analogy to explain why such thinking leads nowhere. She pointed out that waiting to love yourself and perfect yourself before entering a relationship is like “trying to win Dancing With the Stars by practicing freestyle dances alone in your basement. How’s that going to pay off when it’s time to wrap your arms around a dance partner? How are they supposed to trust you, even if your solo tango dancing is world-class?”
She said it’s good for people to strive to be a better person. But, she noted, that’s “not because we suck or because we’re lacking in something, but because we’re brilliant enough to know that we keep growing and keep transforming.”
Nicolino added that the only way to find “flow in a dance” is to actually have a dance partner. As scary as that might seem to some people, taking a chance is better than staying alone and afraid.
“Keep working on your mental health, feeding your body nutritious foods, building communication skills, but don’t expect perfection.” Venus Nicolino said. “You already arrived perfect. Not in the unattainable sense, but perfectly suited for being with other, perfectly imperfect human beings.”
